| PUT DOWN THAT AFTERNOON MARTINI AND LISTEN UP! AFTER SOME RESEARCH CONDUCTED BY THE UNIVERSITY OF MISSOURI (WE'RE GUESSING A BIIIIIIIIIG PARTY SCHOOL) SCIENTISTS HAVE PIGEONHOLED ALL OF YOU BOOZE HOUNDS INTO 4 VERY DISTINCT CATEGORIES. CHECK EM: (1) THE HEMINGWAY: THE MOST POPULAR OF ALL YE DRUNKS (OR SO THEIR SUBJECTS CLAIM), WHO CAN DRINK MORE WHISKEY THAN THE ALKIE AUTHOR HIMSELF, BUT STILL NOT SEE DRASTIC BEHAVIORAL CHANGES, (2) THE MARY POPPINS: THOSE "NICE" DRUNKS, WHO BECOME QUITE A BIT MORE "JOLLY AND AGREEABLE" AFTER A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR HELPS HER ABSINTHE GO DOWN(PSSST WE KNOW WHAT'S IN THAT TEA CUP, LADY) , (3) THE NUTTY PROFESSOR: THE QUIET, INTROVERTED DUDE WHO AFTER A COUPLE OF DRINKS STARTS FEEEEELING HIMSELF AND GETS THE COURAGE TO HIT THE OL' DANCE FLOOR OR (4) MR HYDE OR IN MOST CASES, MS. HYDE: THAT CRAZY ASS BITCH WHO GETS A LIL' LIQUORED UP AND BECOMES A SR8 UP LOOSE CANNON (CRYING, FIGHTING, FALLING...BLUBBERING). WE AGREE WITH MOST OF THIS, BUT THINK SCIENCE MIGHT BE REMISS IN OMITTING ONE VERY IMPORTANT AND VERY REAL CATEGORY....THE SAMANTHA. YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT WE MEAN. OOPS, WRONG GAME? |  |
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